If I’m being completely honest…for the latter part of 2017 and the majority of 2018 I was in what people call a “FUNK”. A full blown out disconnection from myself…from joy, happiness, love and connection.
Don’t get me wrong…there were absolutely moments of happiness, occasions of joy and celebration…but somehow I felt very disconnected. Almost a numbness, just going through the motions. Finding new things to put on my already full plate to try and fill the void.
That, my friends, is not an easy thing for me to admit. For a self proclaimed positivity junkie who has no time for “nay-sayers” and “negative Nancy’s” to feel disconnected, sad and empty for a good portion of a year seems unreasonable.
However, the reason I’m sharing this is because it’s my guess that there are a good many people out there who have felt this same sort of disconnection. The torment in the space between knowing how you should feel and how you actually feel. Quickly plastering any hallow cracks of sadness with thoughts like “I’m just having an off day” or “I just have to get through this week and then I’ll feel better”.
I’m especially talented in combating any “weak” thoughts or feelings that try to surface with a positive kickback…like “nope, not today” or “get your shit together Kristen, you’ve got this”
Oh, but the one that I have become “besties” with, the one I have sacrificed so much for, is making sure that everyone around me is happy, comfortable and undisturbed. Making sure that I don’t make waves or make anyone feel uncomfortable, or inconvenienced, or offended, or sad, or mad, or bored, or disappointed, or jealous, or …sadly, the list goes on.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that I’ve ignored my soul for far to long. With every Yes when I really meant No…my spirit dampened. For every No when I really meant Yes… my light became dim. With every step forward when I really wanted to take a step back…my heart broke a little more. For every avoided conversation when my voice inside was yearning to be heard…my faith in myself grew weaker.
Please trust me when I say, if you do this for long enough…ignore your inner voice, silence your gut feelings and take a back seat to fear… you will break. The walls will cave in, the light will slowly dissipate and the weight of it all will sit so heavy on your chest that it will literally take your breath away.
I’ve been here. It’s sad and it’s scary and it’s hopeless.
But here, in this place…2 major things happened for me that changed everything…
1) My faith was reignited! What ever made me think that I was strong enough to carry the weight of everyones feelings, emotions and reactions…or better yet what ever made me think that I had to? We were never meant to carry these burdens, ever. In the deepest moments of despair, when you are carrying something you were never designed to carry (ex. shame, guilt, other people feelings and expectations) sometimes the only thing you can do is to release, surrender and say I am not strong enough for this!
I’m so thankful for my moments of weakness and ignorance because those moments brought me to the reminder that I’m not even in control of this ship called life that I am so desperately (and failingly) trying to control. I’m reminded that God has totally got my back and oh…He BUILT my ship AND He is steering me in the only direction He can go, the right direction.
That in it’s damn self is enough for you to walk with a little pep in your step (Amen!)… but the second thing that changed for me is what got me excited to get the hell out of my dysfunctional funk…and get on with my bad self.
2) All I have to actually do is exactly what I want. Yep, it’s kind of that simple. That inner voice that I silence…let it speak. That conversation I don’t want to have…have it. The feelings of others that I start to pick up…put them down and know that those are not mine to own. The things I want to do…just do them.
See, I’m learning that my tendency is to complicate things. Embellishing many of my decisions with gaudy sequins of self doubt, fear and people pleasing. Overthinking myself into overwhelm and ultimately inaction.
Notice that I said that “doing exactly what you want was simple”… not easy! If these things were easy we wouldn’t risk becoming so disconnected with ourselves that we fall into a damn funk for an entire year.
But these two ideas for me…were the things that elevated me…that had me RISE UP when I was feeling very low.
I feel reignited and I’m so committed to myself that I can’t wait to see what I have up my own sleeve for 2019. This is a really fun place for me to be.
My hope is that you don’t have to visit that dark and disconnected place to finally say Yes to yourself. My hope is that if you see any bit of my story in your own…that you stop it dead in it’s tracks…and rewrite a new story. A much more exciting story than the redudant verses of self doubt and fear.
Build the muscle of listening and trusting your own inner voice, your own deepest desires and most importantly to PERSEVERE through the barriers that will attempt to push back at you. You are stronger than your think!
xo
Kristen